Jehova Goldberg, the Gas Giant

As Gas Giants went, Jehova Goldberg was a doozy, 1.8986×1028 KG or 417.8 Earths, in other words; fat. Couldn't even slip into his gas giant jeans that he wore in college anymore. To make matters worse, he never had enough mass to ignite into a star, whereas his sister, Jupina, detonated at an early age, around 3 billion years ago, into a blazing G class, head of her class in fact - and graduated from the incindiary bipolar star cluster with honors. Jehova's parents, a binary system of Blue Giants stared down at Jehova with disappointment and erupted their flares in shame. "You could have at least become a black hole, son," said his father. "Even that's an achievement. But this..." He went into orbit around his wife so he wouldn't have to look at him. His mother was no better. She was covered with spots, which only acted up when she was upset. "you don't even have planets of your own," she lamented. Just a group of moons. It's embarrasing. What are we supposed to say when other stars roar past? Out son is still at home, in orbit around us? When are you going to go out and DO something with your life, you're not going to live forever - just another 12 billion years. Better get ON IT.

Okay, fine. Writing this instead of my WORK. But I figure why not start the new year with something looney?